Sunday, May 1, 2011

Youth and parent relationship

Dr.Athiqul H. Laskar

Youth and parent relationship
With more than 60% of India under the age of 30, this country has a young population that makes way for an interesting study of how the Indian youth relates to ideologies of their older generation. It is the purpose of this study not only to examine where the youth stand today, as compared to their yesteryears’ counterparts, but also to assess how dynamics of this changing world has altered their relationship with their parents/elders. Before I make any attempt to offer my perspective on the above issue, I would like to clarify that this case study cannot encapsulate the crux of an entire generation absolutely precisely. However, it is certainly within the scope of this study to offer a balanced representation of a fairly large cross-section of today’s youth, be it in India or abroad.
More often than not, there are sociological perspectives that apply sweeping adjectives, such as ‘rebellious’, ‘non-conformist’, ‘apathetic’, ‘morally degraded’, ‘brash’, ‘disrespectful towards elders’, to today’s youth; in fact, there are hundreds of similar tags that are attached to the youth. It is undoubtedly true that a lot has changed in our world, in so far as how the current generation relates to its socio-cultural environment. For instance, while the older generation were very rooted to the family unit, and turned to their elders for advice when it was time to take important life-altering decisions, the youth are charged with a somewhat ‘I-know-what-I-want-from-my-life’ kind of attitude. Moreover, for today’s youth, their peers’ opinion matters much more to them than that of their parents. In such a scenario, parents find it hard to turn a blind eye to what they feel might be a ‘dangerous path’ being treaded by their children. It is natural for parents to get anxious over their children’s welfare; they want to protect their children from any pitfalls that the latter might encounter along the way. After all, they are convinced (and rightly so) that no amount of knowledge can substitute their wisdom, which has stemmed from age and experience. In their unwillingness to accept their children’s new-found freedom, parents become skeptical of the company that the youngster is keeping, and their sense of judgment, behaving like a moral police most of the time. The ‘good old days in which we grew up’ is a common sentiment amongst the elderly. Needless to say, children do not take too kindly to what they consider ‘undue interference’ from their parents, and land up retaliating. This ultimately leads to the ‘I-know-what-I-am-doing’ refrain. All this boils down to nothing but a never-ending tussle between youngsters and their parents.
The above scenario is typical of the early 1990s. This was the time when, as a result of globalization, there was a sudden change in social values. Opening up of the economy led to an increased access not just to foreign products, but also to foreign culture and values. This unprecedented ‘cultural diffusion’ led our youth to a somewhat confused state of mind, in terms of where their ambitions lay. All of a sudden, bizarre things like getting one’s navel or temples pierced, and studding it with rings of all shapes and sizes, became ‘cool’. To add to this, the youth of this period was overawed by the sudden spurt in spending power, leading to rise in consumerism.
While the youth managed to flow with the tide of this so-called modernity, the transition was not so easy for the elders of this period; the latter could not come to terms with such changes. No wonder, the chasm, or the proverbial ‘generation gap’ as we like to call it, between parents and their children, widened. As parental hold on children started diminishing, the former realized that they too needed to be in sync with the changing times. If the onset of adolescence is a (physically, mentally and emotionally) difficult time for the youngster, it is a period of equal angst for the parents as well, as they too are entering a new phase of their life – that of mid-life crisis; they too try hard to strike a balance between exercising parental authority and being a friend to their young son/daughter. In this mental dilemma, while some parents land up being too authoritative and dictatorial, some others become overly permissive. The extent to which each side acknowledges the changes happening in the other, and the degree of acceptance will determine the parent-child relationship. Nevertheless, this ‘acceptance’ does not have to be blind or all-pervasive. Here, let’s take a case in point.
Mr. Harish Dhiman is a 65-year old self-made man. Born in a typical middle-class family, he was forced to drop out of school at the age of 18. The reason was his bad eyesight. With a power of -10 and -11 in both his eyes, he was virtually blind. The doctors (in their wisdom) had advised his parents not to make him study too much, lest he should become totally blind. Despite this lack of opportunity, the young Harish could barely complete class 12. Thereafter, he decided to start his own construction business. As the senior Dhiman was only a clerk in a government office, there was little financial support that could be expected from him. He started by working in a marble factory, keeping his mental faculties open to whatever new learning came is way. Within a couple of years, as he learnt a few tricks of the trade, and also saved some money, he took some loan from a bank and embarked on his own venture. Initially, Harish used to travel from Delhi to Jaipur on his bike (his most prized possession in those days), twice a week to get orders for raw material. Gradually, with a lot of hard work, he succeeded in settling down fairly well. Today, he is the owner of a 100-crore company in New Delhi, which is North India’s biggest in the plumbing and fire-fighting space. Needless to say, Harish has nurtured his new company just like his own child, the fruit of his labor.
Anyone would expect this gentleman to be a sagacious old man, who has overcome immense trials and tribulations of life. This is certainly true. Today, he is one of India’s highest tax-payers, and is looked up to by all his family and friends for sane advice. However, unfortunately, none of his two children live up to the standing created by their father. The eldest daughter, Vrinda, is aged 41.She is a divorcee with 2 grown-up children. Although Vrinda had a love marriage, much against the parents’ wishes, she could not come to terms with her husband’s ‘lesser status’. This is where parental guidance (or lack of it) came into play. Harish’s wife, Radha could not see her daughter moving around in a Maruti 800, while she herself had access to a chauffer-driven Mercedes. So, she forced her husband, Harish, to gift their daughter a luxury car on the latter’s first wedding anniversary. This was not taken too well by Vrinda’s self-respecting husband, who however, managed to hide his displeasure. But this carried on, as Radha continued to send goodies, such as expensive imported fruits, newly-bought jewellery, dresses, etc. (without any occasion) to her daughter’s new home. She even went as far as sending a bunch of thousands every week, so that her beloved daughter did not have to compromise on the expensive beauty salons that she was accustomed to, in favor of local and non-descript parlours.
It was not long before Vrinda’s husband’s self-esteem became too strong for him to digest such goings-on, and he decided to put his foot down, only to be labeled as ‘a husband not capable enough to give his wife her due’. Within 4 years, the marriage fell part. Today, it is not just Vrinda who lives off her father’s wealth, but also her two children, who also take their grandfather’s money for granted.
Moving on to Harish’s only son, 38-year old Manik, his case is even worse. Though born with the proverbial silver spoon in his mouth, he is the typical instance of an over-indulged, narcissistic and self-centered adult. Although he has had the privilege of being educated in one of the city’s premier schools, and is an alumnus of a US business school, his personal conduct betrays an absolute disregard for the value of money or time. As the son of one of the city’s leading businessmen, armed with a good business education, he has had all possible avenues to embark on sturdy and successful professional life; the least he could have done was to start going to his father’s office, once he completed his MBA education at the age of 28. There was a lot he could have absorbed from his father, who has tougher business mettle (albeit without any formal business degree) than any formally qualified business leader. But, unfortunately, Manik has been unwise enough to squander his chances away, which is such a pity.
It is not that Manik is a vagabond or a good-for-nothing alcoholic. His problem is that he is lackadaisical. He thinks that he is ‘Mr. Know-it-all’, who knows, better than the wisest people around, how to succeed in life. In his aspiration to surpass his father’s glory, he tries business after business – from starting a construction company, to export and import of Italian sauces and other edibles, to becoming an agent for a company that sells weight loss products. Whenever he has a new whim, the father is always there to finance his son’s new venture. Two years back, Manik expressed his desire to learn about the family business, and contribute towards it. Hearing this, Harish’s joy knew no bounds. The upcoming project required Manik to relocate a different city. Harish got down to arranging all necessary infrastructures for his son and his (second) wife in the new city. More than investing his time and energy towards the actual business that he was supposed to have relocated for, Manik spent a greater part of his efforts in furnishing his new house and buying a new car, which had to be nothing less than a Skoda Octavia. To sum it all up, Manik suffered from complete lack of focus.
Despite his many (ill-focused) endeavors, although he starts each business venture with tremendous enthusiasm, the steam runs out within 6 months. The root cause is that, since he gets the initial capital for starting any new business very easily from his father, as soon as the going gets a little tough, he does not mind quitting the present initiative in favor of greener and easier pastures. This is a never-ending chain; today, even at 38 years of age, and a 5 year old daughter, he is still not settled.
Harish is still slogging when he could have retired a decade earlier; he knows that if the son is given charge of the business, his four-and-a-half decades of hard work will come to naught within merely a couple of years. How could a self-made man like Harish, with all his sagacity and prudence, not groom either of his children to be worth their salt? This is a question that intrigues many, and understandably so.
The above is a typical case of over-indulgence, and blind permissiveness, on the parents’ part. In this regard, it would be fair to say that, although Harish was more mature in how to bring up the children with their head on their shoulders, it was his wife, Radha, who was over-protective. As the mother and house-keeper, she had a bigger role to play in this regard, and therefore, her word prevailed. Since she too had gone through hard times while her husband was struggling, she always wanted to protect her children from the need to make both ends meet. As an over-protective mother, she shielded them from all mistakes – big or small. If her elder daughter Vrinda broke a glass of milk, she would take the blame on herself; if her younger son (Manik) flicked a neighbour’s toy, and was questioned by Harish, Radha would quickly protect him by claiming that the toy was bought by her “just yesterday”. In all, she made sure that her children did not have to face the consequences of their own mistakes. No wonder, the kids got used to getting away with just about anything, without having to be grateful for the wonderful life and privileges they had. The result is that, today, both these children are absolutely directionless.
What should the parents have done 2 decades ago? Firstly, they should have denied the children easy access to all luxuries. This way, the latter would have respected the privileges they had, besides acknowledging their father’s hard work that had gone into earning all that wealth. A good step in this direction could have been for the parents to take their children around the less privileged localities, maybe even made them do some community service, to reinforce how fortunate they were to have all that they did, sensitizing them towards the plight of the less fortunate lot of people in this world.
It is when the youth expects quick results and easy gratification for their efforts, without getting their fingernails dirty, that the problem rises - another significant difference between the ‘then’ and ‘now’ generations. The above case of the Dhimans is the general story of the youth born between the 1960s and the early 1970s. As I have already clarified to my readers, in the opening paragraph, that the purpose of my study is not to tie an entire generation with one thread, the perspective that I am offering is only one that has been deduced from my personal observations, analysis and experience.
Moving further, now that we have entered the new millennium, the picture of today’s youth is not all that dark and gloomy any more. In the present times, it would be unfair to perpetuate stereotypes, and tag the youth as those belonging to the ear-nose-navel pierced generation of youngsters, who know nothing better than how to blindly ape their western counterparts. No doubt, there are still significant differences in the perspectives of today’s youth vis-a-viz their parents, but this is unavoidable.

A decade ago, globalization largely led to blind aping of the West; today it means that the youth have become a near-perfect blend of the East and the West; while, on one hand, they seem all too ready to embrace the modernization of the western world, on the other hand, they are also not embarrassed to adopt traditional values, such as participating in most of the family’s religious functions, greeting their elders in a traditional way, touching their feet, etc. With this dual cultural passport, today’s youth are more mature, adaptable and tolerant of those who may be different from them. Although urban as well as a large part of rural India is progressing by leaps and bounds, it is a welcome change to see the youth adhere to boundaries of acceptable behavior. ‘What is socially acceptable and what is not’, and the “how-will-my-parents-react-to-this” mindset does play a role in how they conduct themselves. This means that today’s youth have evolved, not just in what they wear, or in terms of the latest gizmos they flaunt, but, more importantly in their mindset.
This is not to say that there are absolutely no deviations between the youth’s perspectives and that of their parents; expecting such absolute harmony is expecting a little too much. There is certainly a reasonable amount of tussle between the ‘old’ and the ‘new’’ like the Swedish saying that says, “If the Stone Age children had obeyed their parents we would still be living in the Stone Age”. But the scene is a lot better than it was some time back.
Parents of today’s youth (assuming that the term ‘youth’ includes all those in the 15-30 age group) were born sometime between 1950 and 1970. They have tasted much more turbulent times with their older generations. As a result, they have become more tolerant towards their children than their own parents were, decades ago. They are quick to understand that communication gap with their children will yield nothing more than emotional issues for the latter. About 20 years ago, a youngster’s cry for freedom and ‘personal space’ might have been (mis)construed by the parent as ‘defiance’. However this is far from the truth. The child’s motive behind asserting himself/herself is not to challenge his/her parent’s authority. They are just exploring their own capabilities, and wanting to carve their standing / self-esteem in their own eyes. They want their voice to be heard. This is a passing phase for the youngster, and if parents are supportive at this point, it can reap great dividends for the future parent-child relationship. However, if the parent gets too authoritative and dictatorial at this point, it can lead to a psycho-socially mal-adjusted child. In other words, parents need to be perceptive enough to identify the signs when the child expects them to relinquish control.
Therefore, today’s parents make all possible efforts to make communication more fearless and democratic than they themselves had the luxury of. They realize that the erstwhile “You-must-do-this-because-I-say-so” approach does no go well with today’s youth. Such efforts on the parents’ part engender trust amongst the youth, who find it easier to confide in their parents, whenever the need arises.
This argument reminds me of an interesting case depicting how the youth-parent relationship has changed for the better, in the last decade or so. Rahul is a Hospitality industry graduate, currently working as an Airlines professional, in the flight catering division. By virtue of his profession, he has daily interactions with people from across the globe. During one such interaction, in February 2008, he met Corinne, who is an American. As luck would have it, they met again a couple of months later, and yet again. Gradually, their professional association evolved into a friendship, which finally metamorphosed into a deeper relationship. Early this year, as their relationship has seen around 18 months of success, Rahul and Corinne have decided to tie the knot. When Rahul shared his plans with his parents, they were shocked, and understandably more so because Corinne is 3 years older than Rahul, and belongs to a culture that is very different from the one that their son has been brought up amidst. Like most middle-class Indian parents, they too had nurtured the dream of seeing their son settled with a ‘homely’ Indian girl. So, Rahul’s announcement came as a rather unpleasant surprise to them.
Fortunately, the old couple has displayed tremendous maturity in this situation. Had the same situation arisen in a family around the late 1980s or early 1990s, in all probability, the concerned parents may have been too shell-shocked to think rationally; they would have made the son feel guilty for not having thought of family honour, or the community, or for having dashed his old parents’ hopes to the ground. They may even have taken a drastic step like disowning their son (although, I re-iterate, I am not making any generalizations, and these may certainly not be applicable across the board). Instead, Rahul’s parents have been more stoic in how they have handled the situation. They are matured enough to understand that their son would perhaps go ahead with his plans, despite all resistance. Even if he does not do so, it will only be because he would find himself overwhelmed by his responsibility towards his parents’ sentiments. They have assessed the situation well. They have voiced their concerns not so much regarding the age difference, but more regarding the cultural differences between both of them. So, they have chosen their battles carefully. Although their fears are still not allayed completely, they have decided to be a support for their son. Agreeing to this proposed alliance has not been easy for them at all.
Such unconditional support from his parents has engendered a profound respect in Rahul’s heart for his parents, and he has vowed to himself that he would never let them down. He has had a heart-to-heart talk with his fiancĂ©e, explaining it well to her that, although she is going to be an important part of his life from now, his parents form an equally integral part of his life. He has made her understand the difference between the perspectives of Indian parents vis-a-viz that of American parents. So now Corinne too understands that Rahul’s parents’ acquiescence, in so far as their relationship is concerned, is actually a big deal, seen from a traditional Indian parent’s viewpoint.
Although the wedding has not yet been solemnized, Rahul’s parents are trying to be as optimistic as possible, although they still fear the worst. Even if, God forbid, things go wrong somewhere, Rahul is sure of still having a very strong support system, in the form of his parents. This has strengthened their bond like never before. Even his parents can rest assured in the knowledge that Rahul will never forget to confide in them, no matter how seemingly insurmountable the issue may be.
From the above case of Rahul, it is evident that, although today’s Indian youth seek (financial as well as emotional) independence, they are still much more rooted, and more content to remain within the institution called the family, as compared to their American contemporaries. Unlike the latter, they are not seeking complete emancipation from parental bond. This is precisely the reason why Rahul thought that his issue was important enough to be discussed with his parents, before he went ahead with it. After all, Corinne was not as weighed down, as Rahul was, by the sense of duty of making this announcement for her parents’ prior approval. In fact, as far as her household was concerned, this news was broken like any other piece of news, which did not require much debate or deliberation from the family’s elders.
This is nothing but social conditioning. Intrinsic American culture endorses that their youth be weaned away from parents’ decision-making influence latest by the age of 18 years, whereas Indian social conditioning is rather different. In this regard, I wish to highlight one point of difference between the Indian youth and their American counterparts. While the former seek this independence, albeit still going back to their parents every now and then, it is not very common to see the latter have an equivalent sense of cohesion towards the basic family unit, once they have been weaned away. An Indian teenager’s attempt to ‘break free’ is looked down upon as ‘callousness’, ‘irresponsible attitude’ and ‘insensitivity towards aging parents’ needs’. In this context, simply visiting parents on weekends or holidays is not enough; children (particularly male) are expected to keep their identity firmly entwined with that of their families and communities. It is interesting to note that here, ‘family’ constitutes not just the immediate family (parents and siblings) but, in a lot of cases, the wider family consisting of uncles and aunts as well as their respective families also. Perhaps, this acts as a cementing force in case of the Indian youth.
Having spent time and efforts in making all the above observations, we can aver that it would be a gross and unfortunate misinterpretation of today’s youth, if we were to associate them with adjectives, such as ‘rebellious’, ‘defiant’ or ‘non-conformist’. No doubt, they find it hard to accept directives (whether it is from their parents or anyone else) with unquestioned obedience. They want to be convinced about the veracity of a certain issue before acknowledging the same as worthy enough to gain their acceptance. In today’s times, such a mindset is healthy, maybe even desirable. With Charles Darwin’s theory of ‘survival of the fittest’ becoming applicable in today’s socio-cultural times, more than any other time in history, it is imperative that the youth be given the leeway to venture into the outside world, take independent decisions, and learn from their mistakes, relatively earlier than their parents or grandparents did. Indian as well as American parents too realize that those amongst them who can adapt to this kind of requirement raise happier and more socially well-adjusted children.
So, in a nutshell, we can safely arrive at a fair conclusion (even if it is not unanimous) that the current generation is not so much in jeopardy, as feared by some. This is a generation that is liberated and confident, stretching their minds to discover new worlds and new horizons. The best part is that an encouragingly large part of them is fortunate enough to receive parental support, which is a welcome change from the past.

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